Dying for attention

"Isn't it ironic? We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones that ignore us, love the ones who hurt us, and hurt the ones that love us."

— Jordan Neill

There are billions of people in the world and yet I feel alone. Even when I'm with company I feel invisible. I think it's safe to say we all have at one point in our lives, but whenever I look around, I notice people who receive so much love and give nothing back. It's funny that the people who don't give are given and the people who give so much are left with nothing in return. It's also a pity. The world we live in.

There are people who think they know loneliness. They haven't the faintest idea. Do you know what it's like to have no one to turn to, no one who listens or sympathizes with you but yourself? It's terrible. Most people don't seem willing to truly listen. Some will but only if it is relevant to them. To me, it seems as though people just shake off the serious things I have to say like it doesn't matter to them. Maybe it does and I'm just misreading the signs, but I figure it'd be more obvious, or maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions. There are those who whine about having only their loved ones to turn to, what more do you need? That's so much more than enough. Wait until it seems like all you have is yourself than maybe you'd be grateful for the people in your life even if there are just a few who you can turn to. Some people would kill to have even one person who gives them everything.

We all know what it's like to be forgotten by our loved ones. Even if it's momentarily, it still hurts and sometimes the pain never goes away. It lingers like a benign cancer that comes out of hiding when inflamed. We know how it feels to be neglected, disregarded. It's one of the worst feelings in the world. At least to me, there's nothing else that can compete emotionally. We're human, we crave attention and those who don't get enough often become destructive and seek it in the worst ways. At times, being paid no mind by someone I give my all can make me feel like I might as well not exist. So I try my best to keep attention even if I shouldn't because I know how much it hurts to be overlooked by someone I love. It's like I'm just another face in the crowd, there but irrelevant.

Everyone seems to have at least one person in their life who gives them their undivided attention and yet they still feel incomplete. What more do you want? You have everything you could ask for right before you yet you still yearn for more? I guess that's just how we are, it's in our nature. We are always wanting more. And I want more than this. I want someone to acknowledge me, to make me feel like I have something to offer. All I want is to feel whole. Like I'm not just another speck of dust to brush off and be forgotten about afterwards. I have myself sure, that's adequate, but sometimes it leaves me feeling like there's a hollow space in my chest aching for something to occupy it.

This heavy feeling, I fear will never be lifted because I'm not one to captivate. I can't keep another person's attention so I guess I shouldn't be complaining about having no one listen to me when it's partially my fault. Consider yourself lucky if you have someone who listens intently and with great interest because that is one of the most beautiful things that is taken for granted in this world and I would do anything to have what you have.