This is a pointless post

I just don't understand. I just can't take it anymore. You always ignore me, always. I constantly have to repeat myself and even then, it's like you have no ears, or I have no voice. And when I have to yell you get irritated. Whose fault is it that you don't hear what I'm trying to say? I speak quite loudly and clearly, you of all people should know that.

As I've mentioned before, being ignored is probably the worst feeling for me. I loathe it and I would never let anyone I'm supposed to love suffer by intentionally ignoring them. It's not love, it's neglect. I'm here, I exist, I breathe. Please, pay attention to me. I guess it's because you get so much attention, from me...obviously. Maybe that's why you don't know how it feels to feel invisible, like an insignificant speck of dust. But when I ignore you, to spite you, you get mad.

So it's okay for you to ignore me, it's totally fine right, but you have to get all righteous with me and tell me it's rude when I don't respond right away or that I don't listen? You have hypocrite written all over you and you don't even realize it. I wish you knew how it makes me feel when you don't acknowledge me. All I can do is wish. The pain tugs at my heart and reminds me that I'm just another burden to you. Nothing but a burden. What am I supposed to do? Guilt-trips don't work with you because you have no idea and even if it did, you probably wouldn't even care. Do you even care? Probably not. And everyday, I lose hope. I feel like, if you don't, who would?

Sometimes

I take myself way too seriously. Don't mind me, those are the days when I get too introspective. No one requires that much thinking. It should be a crime to be thinking this much

Love don't last

Before the sun sets baby, take my hand

Let's get lost in the wilderness

Prove the world wrong when they say love don't last

Dying for attention

"Isn't it ironic? We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones that ignore us, love the ones who hurt us, and hurt the ones that love us."

— Jordan Neill

There are billions of people in the world and yet I feel alone. Even when I'm with company I feel invisible. I think it's safe to say we all have at one point in our lives, but whenever I look around, I notice people who receive so much love and give nothing back. It's funny that the people who don't give are given and the people who give so much are left with nothing in return. It's also a pity. The world we live in.

There are people who think they know loneliness. They haven't the faintest idea. Do you know what it's like to have no one to turn to, no one who listens or sympathizes with you but yourself? It's terrible. Most people don't seem willing to truly listen. Some will but only if it is relevant to them. To me, it seems as though people just shake off the serious things I have to say like it doesn't matter to them. Maybe it does and I'm just misreading the signs, but I figure it'd be more obvious, or maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions. There are those who whine about having only their loved ones to turn to, what more do you need? That's so much more than enough. Wait until it seems like all you have is yourself than maybe you'd be grateful for the people in your life even if there are just a few who you can turn to. Some people would kill to have even one person who gives them everything.

We all know what it's like to be forgotten by our loved ones. Even if it's momentarily, it still hurts and sometimes the pain never goes away. It lingers like a benign cancer that comes out of hiding when inflamed. We know how it feels to be neglected, disregarded. It's one of the worst feelings in the world. At least to me, there's nothing else that can compete emotionally. We're human, we crave attention and those who don't get enough often become destructive and seek it in the worst ways. At times, being paid no mind by someone I give my all can make me feel like I might as well not exist. So I try my best to keep attention even if I shouldn't because I know how much it hurts to be overlooked by someone I love. It's like I'm just another face in the crowd, there but irrelevant.

Everyone seems to have at least one person in their life who gives them their undivided attention and yet they still feel incomplete. What more do you want? You have everything you could ask for right before you yet you still yearn for more? I guess that's just how we are, it's in our nature. We are always wanting more. And I want more than this. I want someone to acknowledge me, to make me feel like I have something to offer. All I want is to feel whole. Like I'm not just another speck of dust to brush off and be forgotten about afterwards. I have myself sure, that's adequate, but sometimes it leaves me feeling like there's a hollow space in my chest aching for something to occupy it.

This heavy feeling, I fear will never be lifted because I'm not one to captivate. I can't keep another person's attention so I guess I shouldn't be complaining about having no one listen to me when it's partially my fault. Consider yourself lucky if you have someone who listens intently and with great interest because that is one of the most beautiful things that is taken for granted in this world and I would do anything to have what you have.

Sincerity

Don't ever feel ashamed because your obscurity can be mistaken for sincerity

Someway, somehow

In the midst of all the woes that befall you

Someway, somehow you find the light that cuts through the shade

To ease your burden, to soothe your aching, to guide your way.

These memories come back to haunt you,

But someway, somehow, you let them fade.

Just a thought

“Insane people are always sure that they are fine. It is only the sane people who are willing to admit that they are crazy.”

— Nora Ephron

This got me thinking. I'm told I'm crazy on a daily basis. I've gotten so used to it it doesn't affect me anymore. It's grown so common, it no longer holds me prisoner. I remember when being called crazy would tick me off so much I'd throw fits. Questioning to myself why? Why am I crazy? What did I do to be crazy? How is this crazy? What's wrong with being crazy? Crazy...what is crazy? Crazy, it's a word. It's a category. It's a placeholder. A placeholder for different. So yes, I'm crazy, I'm weird, but I don't take it as the offending word it's meant to be. Instead I replace it with different, because that's what I am. And that's what you are. We are all different yet we are all the same. Just because I'm not afraid to express myself, to open up, does not make me any more different then the person who is afraid of letting it out or the person in between who is discreet about it.

You. Are. Crazy. If you can't realize it. You are not only crazy --literally-- you are also unaware. Crazy can apply to people who speak their minds without a moment's thought or to people who are psychotic. There's a huge difference between these kinds of people. Psychotics can't help themselves, those who prefer to be true to themselves can. But instead of following the crowd, the herd of sheep before them, in which they can blend in easily if they prefer and lead a simple but boring life, if they so choose, these types of people don't. They don't want to be bland, they don't want to be sheep following the flock. No, not a leader either, an individual. A wolf that doesn't require a wolf pack. Be your own person. Just don't be afraid. It's fear that holds us back more than anything. Fear that keeps us static, at a stand-still. Fear of the unknown. Fear of the truth. And the truth is right before your eyes, staring right back at you.

I have more negative traits than I do positive, so rest assured, you're not alone. My positive qualities I try to use more often because when I wake up every morning, I want to make a difference. I'm sure everyone does. But who really ever actually tries? I want to make at least one person know how blessed they are. I want to make them smile. Sometimes, most of the time, I do it by pointing out their flaws to make them change it. It's not very effective let me tell you. But I'm changing. Improving. Everyday, a constant change for the better. I hope.

I can be and I am selfish, tactless, fickle, ignorant, opinionated, arrogant, never serious, too serious, melodramatic, righteous, indifferent, aggressive, demanding, lazy, argumentative, condescending, unappreciative, cruel, manipulative, destructive, stubborn, obsessive, self-absorbed, naive, interfering, fussy, pretentious, superficial, unyielding, oversensitive, biased, short-tempered, impulsive, restless, devious, materialistic, self-indulgent and impatient.

So sure I'm all these things, but some of these things I can't help and some of these things I do out of spite. Which is terrible, yes, but most of things I do is to help. I'm interfering because I want to help, I'm unyielding because I have hope, I'm biased because I love. These things are difficult to change, these traits will always be evident in me, but boy what I would do to change them. I'm not perfect, clearly. And I will never be even if I wanted to strive for perfection. There is absolutely no way one can completely rid themselves of the bad. Within all of us is hate but we are all capable of love. Capable of being good. The only difference between a good and a bad person is their willingness to be good even if they are a murderer or a liar. If they're willing to change, to repent, they can. Everyone has potential. So much, yet so few people realize it. It's in there, just waiting to be released.

I'm just one big contradiction, but I try, so hard to let my positive traits outweigh the negative ones, because everyone deserves a chance. Everyone deserves kindness. Everyone deserves love. And I may have a lot of negativity in me, but there's one thing I can assure you I'll never have. Hate. And I'll tell you this. You are so beautiful. More beautiful than you will ever know. Everyone can be the beautiful person they're meant to be if they want to be. All it takes is a little will with a pinch of love.

Time's a wasting

How was I supposed to know that you were right all along?

I can't just take as I please

I've gotta pay my dues and so do you 

Show me what I'm doing wrong

Take your time but don't take so long

Time's a wasting and I can't decide whether my head or heart is right

The ocean

My heart is like the ocean, violent yet gentle, dangerous yet safe, daunting yet fearless, forever changing yet always the same.

Give or take

“Best friends forever," such a silly phrase. All my supposed best friends didn’t last a year give or take and they all put the title on me. I don’t consider my close friends best friends, they are more than that. I don’t want to choose one particular friend and dub her as the best one, they are all equal so in truth I have never really had a best friend and if I had, it would've been myself. Friends come and go. I noticed my true friends were those stuck by me, who didn’t care about labels or being “best friends forever”. Those are my lovers, my family. Henceforth, I won’t let any person call me their one and only best friend. It’s selfish and it hurts other people who probably love you more than that one best friend loves you. Personally, I never say, “we’ll be best friends forever” or any sappy promises like that. You don’t have to say it aloud to know that you will be… friends forever that is. And I have never said it out loud with any of my real friends, you just know. This applies to relationships as well. It’s reassuring to tell your significant other that you will last forever, sure. But does it happen often? No. Words won’t amount to a promise that is held true by actions.

We're young but it's real

You see this, slipping from my fingertips?

It's everything that we are, everything we've ever been

And it's disappearing right before our very eyes

He's the one

 

When your heart is racing, and you struggle to breathe just at the sight of him. When your knees are trembling and you wish for nothing more but to lay in his arms for eternity and beyond. That's when you know for sure that he's the one.

Brave enough

"Girls are like apples...the best ones are at the top of the trees. The boys don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they just get the rotten apples that are on the ground that aren't as good, but easy. So the apples at the top think there is something wrong with them, when, in reality, they are amazing. They just have to wait for the right boy to come along, the one who's brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree..."

— Pete Wentz

Better than anything else

I've about have had it with these thoughts.

Thinking too much is unhealthy, but not thinking at all isn't right. 

All I know is I'm breathing and I'm well off, so I'm fine.

Lies are just words that play tricks with the mind. 

Don't jump in so quickly, take it one step at a time

Be a diamond

People with many facets to their persona are diamonds — often misinterpreted as fake. But are we really? Just because we have several sides to us? No. We are human. We are misjudged, misunderstood, and mistreated. I learned long ago that not everyone will like me, or anyone for that matter and I've learned to accept that as a fact of life. There are those who hate others simply because they are intimidated or feel threatened by their influence, recognition, or talents. These people with so much hatred and jealousy in their hearts do not realize that it can consume them, until there is nothing left but blackness and no point of return. More than anything, I cannot stand hate. But without it, there would be no equilibrium, no love. Likewise, without ignorance there is no knowledge. It's a sad truth, but the truth nonetheless. The world is undoubtedly overrun by these people, unaware of their potential. I won't say I can handle them but I do avoid them — negativity is just as infectious as positivity. I don't feel superior, that would just make me equally as ignorant, nor am I saying that I'm not ignorant... merely curious. Unafraid to delve deeper into the waters, to question things unbeknown to me, to seek the truth. Regrettably, curiosity is fleeting. Some people will never reach their true potential if they don't open their minds and it's a shame that people have gone their entire lives without doing so. Everyone has the potential to be the beautiful person they're meant to be, and if they believe, they will be. Some sooner than others. But the man who says he can't is just as right as the man who says he can. You haven't truly lived until you face your fear of the unknown and open your eyes. Life is daunting, but if we couldn't handle it, we wouldn't be alive.

Like the wind

I still recognize the feel of your skin and I remember your face like the wind.

Though it's gotten cold where you last touched.

There's a mark though invisible to others, will forever be sewn on my heart.