Unlonely

“Bright, just like the stars above me; proud, just like my mother planned it; short on all the things I don’t want. I’m full of love and longing. Take me by the hand and tell me you would take me anywhere. You would take me anywhere still, cause I don’t want to move a thing in hopes that you’ll fit right into me.”

—	Tegan and Sara.

I don't know if you realize

But it hurts. It makes me feel worthless when you say these words. No-good. Useless. The list goes on. It's like I'm a waste of space. I'm not good at anything, I know, but when you remind me it makes me feel like I might as well not exist. What good am I for? Nothing you say, and yet you claim to care about me? Or do you? You never come right out and say it, because I should  just know. If only you did.

I didn't know that words could hurt more than physical pain. Because while the physical pain diminishes, your poison words that sting like a blade, linger. Sometimes forever, because I know you mean them. They say if you tell a person a lie over and over again, they'll start to believe it. And I'm beginning to. The constant lies I'm fed, they pick at my brain and embed themselves into it. They tell me, "This is who you are," again and again like a broken record. Eventually, it transforms into the truth. Your intricate yet simple lies inflict so much more pain than any knife could. Did you know?

I've come to the conclusion that if I hurt so much from uttered nonsense that otherwise would have no meaning if you didn't mean so much to me, then perhaps, I shouldn't do the same. For your sake. While I admire and praise you for your qualities, you cut me down and pick at my every flaw, every wrong that I've done, every mistake that I've made and as much as I want to do the same to show you just how it feels, I don't. I can't. I care far too much. But most of all I want you to realize on your own, without my help. I don't want you to realize the way I did. By suffering the way I did. And most of all, I don't want to be the reason for your suffering.

Although Jesus said do unto others as you would have them do unto you, no one really does. But I'll prove them wrong by treating you right, even if you don't do the same. So keep doing what you do best. Hit me as hard as you can. I wish you could see, but I know you can't.

Something's missing

Something that was never there but still gone. Though I know there's a void, an emptiness because it's been tearing up at me, constantly, I don't exactly know what it is. I look around and see what I've been longing for forever in the hands of the people who take it for granted. And whenever I get the chance to capture it, when it's at the tip of my fingertips, it slips away. Like it doesn't want me back. They say in order to get what you want you have to go after it. That's never worked for me, so I gave up on that. I believe it just comes to you, when you're motionless, waiting. Only when the spider is absolutely still will it's prey come. And when it comes, it stays.

Here's to you

“Here’s to the crazy ones. The misfits. The rebels. The trouble-makers. The round heads in the square holes. The ones who see things differently. They’re not fond of rules, and they have no respect for the status-quo. You can quote them, disagree with them, glorify, or vilify them. But the only thing you can’t do is ignore them. Because they change things. They push the human race forward. And while some may see them as the crazy ones, we see genius. Because the people who are crazy enough to think they can change the world, are the ones who do.”

—	Jack Kerouac.

This is a pointless post

I just don't understand. I just can't take it anymore. You always ignore me, always. I constantly have to repeat myself and even then, it's like you have no ears, or I have no voice. And when I have to yell you get irritated. Whose fault is it that you don't hear what I'm trying to say? I speak quite loudly and clearly, you of all people should know that.

As I've mentioned before, being ignored is probably the worst feeling for me. I loathe it and I would never let anyone I'm supposed to love suffer by intentionally ignoring them. It's not love, it's neglect. I'm here, I exist, I breathe. Please, pay attention to me. I guess it's because you get so much attention, from me...obviously. Maybe that's why you don't know how it feels to feel invisible, like an insignificant speck of dust. But when I ignore you, to spite you, you get mad.

So it's okay for you to ignore me, it's totally fine right, but you have to get all righteous with me and tell me it's rude when I don't respond right away or that I don't listen? You have hypocrite written all over you and you don't even realize it. I wish you knew how it makes me feel when you don't acknowledge me. All I can do is wish. The pain tugs at my heart and reminds me that I'm just another burden to you. Nothing but a burden. What am I supposed to do? Guilt-trips don't work with you because you have no idea and even if it did, you probably wouldn't even care. Do you even care? Probably not. And everyday, I lose hope. I feel like, if you don't, who would?

Sometimes

I take myself way too seriously. Don't mind me, those are the days when I get too introspective. No one requires that much thinking. It should be a crime to be thinking this much

Love don't last

Before the sun sets baby, take my hand

Let's get lost in the wilderness

Prove the world wrong when they say love don't last

Dying for attention

"Isn't it ironic? We ignore the ones who adore us, adore the ones that ignore us, love the ones who hurt us, and hurt the ones that love us."

— Jordan Neill

There are billions of people in the world and yet I feel alone. Even when I'm with company I feel invisible. I think it's safe to say we all have at one point in our lives, but whenever I look around, I notice people who receive so much love and give nothing back. It's funny that the people who don't give are given and the people who give so much are left with nothing in return. It's also a pity. The world we live in.

There are people who think they know loneliness. They haven't the faintest idea. Do you know what it's like to have no one to turn to, no one who listens or sympathizes with you but yourself? It's terrible. Most people don't seem willing to truly listen. Some will but only if it is relevant to them. To me, it seems as though people just shake off the serious things I have to say like it doesn't matter to them. Maybe it does and I'm just misreading the signs, but I figure it'd be more obvious, or maybe I'm just jumping to conclusions. There are those who whine about having only their loved ones to turn to, what more do you need? That's so much more than enough. Wait until it seems like all you have is yourself than maybe you'd be grateful for the people in your life even if there are just a few who you can turn to. Some people would kill to have even one person who gives them everything.

We all know what it's like to be forgotten by our loved ones. Even if it's momentarily, it still hurts and sometimes the pain never goes away. It lingers like a benign cancer that comes out of hiding when inflamed. We know how it feels to be neglected, disregarded. It's one of the worst feelings in the world. At least to me, there's nothing else that can compete emotionally. We're human, we crave attention and those who don't get enough often become destructive and seek it in the worst ways. At times, being paid no mind by someone I give my all can make me feel like I might as well not exist. So I try my best to keep attention even if I shouldn't because I know how much it hurts to be overlooked by someone I love. It's like I'm just another face in the crowd, there but irrelevant.

Everyone seems to have at least one person in their life who gives them their undivided attention and yet they still feel incomplete. What more do you want? You have everything you could ask for right before you yet you still yearn for more? I guess that's just how we are, it's in our nature. We are always wanting more. And I want more than this. I want someone to acknowledge me, to make me feel like I have something to offer. All I want is to feel whole. Like I'm not just another speck of dust to brush off and be forgotten about afterwards. I have myself sure, that's adequate, but sometimes it leaves me feeling like there's a hollow space in my chest aching for something to occupy it.

This heavy feeling, I fear will never be lifted because I'm not one to captivate. I can't keep another person's attention so I guess I shouldn't be complaining about having no one listen to me when it's partially my fault. Consider yourself lucky if you have someone who listens intently and with great interest because that is one of the most beautiful things that is taken for granted in this world and I would do anything to have what you have.

Sincerity

Don't ever feel ashamed because your obscurity can be mistaken for sincerity

Someway, somehow

In the midst of all the woes that befall you

Someway, somehow you find the light that cuts through the shade

To ease your burden, to soothe your aching, to guide your way.

These memories come back to haunt you,

But someway, somehow, you let them fade.